Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
