Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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