Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
