tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
