im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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