I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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