We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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