the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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