This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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