I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
