i wish peter jackson would direct porn
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
