Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
