I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
