come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
