Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
