Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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