A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
