I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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