so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Found your dick twin last night
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
