he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
