apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
