I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
