Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
