I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
