We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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