i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
