Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
