guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
