I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
