I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
