Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
