I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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