I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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