It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
