Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
