just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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