96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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