I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
