Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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