i love accidental penises.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
