I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I am naked and annoyed.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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