"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
