Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
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