i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The Olympian is in my bed
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
