Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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