Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
