Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
