i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
