I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
