Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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