Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
