I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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