Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
